Following an entirely avoidable and definitely real and well documented incident involving uncredentialed DJs (UDJs) and American mustard, the Department of Being Sensible (DoBS, a fresh branch of the DoP) regerts to announce a new Paddock rule: all participants must wear closed shoes at all times – no, Crocs do not count, even if you put them in ‘sport mode.’
Last year, Kiwiburn implemented a rule that all DJ’s performing on the Paddock must hold a ‘Bachelor of DJ-ing’ from an accredited University AND have a printed copy on their person at all times. During KB25, an unprecedented surge of UDJs appeared out of nowhere – barefoot, loud, and smelling suspiciously like mustard – and officials were forced to intervene.
Investigations traced the source of the UDJ outbreak back to three camps in particular:
- Mint Country Club (MCC): where at least six ‘international DJs’ became too minted to locate their credentials (or even name the track currently playing or its BPM).
- Camp Low Expectations: reminded everyone that credentials are expectations and every person within a 20m radius declared themselves a DJ.
- Wannabe Camp: in an effort to try to be like the cool camps, Wannabes embraced a ‘fake it til you make it’ policy, allowing multiple UDJs behind the decks. This resulted in two instances of dead air, five trainwreck’s, one spilled DoBro, and a rogue squeeze bottle of American mustard causing absolute mayhem.
The Mustard Incident™
While MCC and Low Expectations caused many issues when their UDJs – clearly overwhelmed by the power of the decks – began dropping equipment, cables, and overconfidence directly onto the dance floor, thus creating a hazardous environment for bare feet, the situation really escalated when mustard was introduced to the dance floor at Wannabe Camp.
Our very real and very reliable witnesses report:
- Multiple barefoot UDJs
- An unsecured squeeze bottle of American mustard
- A slow-mo moment of silence that can only be described as thick
What followed was a squirt, a slip, a shriek, and a slowly spreading yellow hazard zone that took three paper towels, two wet wipes, and one deeply judgmental stare to contain.
The Closed Shoe Solution™
After rejecting mandatory pre-Paddock DJ licensing exams and banning the phrase ‘I’m a DJ, I’d be keen to play a set’, DoBS concluded that bare feet were never meant to cut the mustard and closed shoes were the only viable path forward. A spokesperson told us, “Shoes are the last line of defence against cables, dropped USB sticks, surprise B2B sets, and spilled mustard.” They then went on to confirm what we all suspected. “Mustard changes everything. Once mustard hits grass, the Paddock enters a different risk category and we must mitigate the mustard.”
Gratitude Where It’s Due
We would like to loudly and formally acknowledge those who narked on their fellow Theme Camps without knowing we would publicly out them at great social cost:
- R.A.T.: the strayest, gayest ferals on the Paddock, spotted the UDJs and mustard madness from their cosy sewer nest and postponed praising the ratking to rat out their fellow Burners.
- Creature Lab: ran independent tests proving that 99.99% of UDJs could not identify their own gear in daylight, and who went above and beyond conducting experiments confirming that mustard + grass + bare feet = regert.
- Easily Distracted: somehow reported the incident mid-conversation, mid-snack, and mid-dance (we know, we’re shooketh too).
Thank you – your commitment to Paddock safety has not gone unnoticed. Or forgiven.
FAQs
River? Closed shoes.
Radical Self Expression? Express yourself through laces.
I don’t like shoes? Mustard doesn’t care.
I’m a DJ and I do have credentials? Congrats – show them to your shoes.
Thank you for your cooperation, your understanding, and your willingness to adapt to yet another ridiculous rule that absolutely no one asked for.
See you (but not your bare feet) on the Paddock.
Image credit: John Williams
