Truly shocking news came across our desk this morning and it has rocked the entire Department of Propaganda to its core. With Kiwiburn 2025 starting in just under 24 hours, it’s sure to cause ripples far and wide.
$ExCom has informed us that a Paddock wide ban on mustard is now in effect for the entirety of the event. Yes, all types of mustard, even Dijon, are now banned on the Paddock.
Why implement a ban on such a delicious unsuspecting condiment you may ask? According to a source inside $ExCom (who spoke to us on the condition that they’d remain anonymous), one too many ‘mustard based events’ took place during the Kiwiburn build period.
One such event reportedly involved six naked hippies, four types of mustard and a road cone. The source went on to say that they have never seen a road cone used in such a way, as untold quantities of mustard were ‘imbimbed’ using the cone. Unfortunately for the individuals involved in said incident, the road cone belonged to MPW. MPW are outraged by this news, as the road cone in question is now several shades of brown darker than it was originally, meaning it’s now entirely unusable.
According to $ExCom, anyone caught with mustard will have it confiscated. So please do yourself a favour and either leave it at home, or eat it on the drive to the Paddock. However, we expect that many of you will bring it anyway, so $ExCom will end up with a considerable amount of mustard, which we believe is what they want.
It’s unknown why $ExCom wants that much mustard, but one can only surmise that they are looking to recreate the ‘incident’ themselves, and possibly try to beat the amount of mustard that was imbibed. Given that they have also confiscated the road cone too, this seems likely.
Stay tuned for more mustard based news from Kiwiburn 2025.
