We receive a fair amount of mail here at the EFP, the majority of it being from adoring fans in the community, who fawn over our every word. One particularly endearing fan recently emailed in telling us ‘Reading the EFP is better than drinking a sun-ripened Do-Bro’.
Some mail however, doesn’t just sing our praises. This week we received correspondence, by carrier pigeon, from a concerned member of the community. The aggrieved individual, who goes by the name, J. Afa, had a few choice words to say about a certain group of burners.
The group in question? The Auckland Burners Faceache Group.
The issue? A serious shortage of Flatmates Wanted posts. Normally, 90% of posts in the group are made by people looking for flatmates, but lately, just 10% of posts were about flatmates, Mr Afa complained.
To make matters worse, the Auckland Burners channel in the official Kiwiburn Discord is completely devoid of Flatmates Wanted posts. One channel member pointed this out, and was confused about whether the channel was even a real Auckland Burners channel, because it wasn’t filled to the brim with people searching for flatmates.
Several unconfirmed reports have surfaced that the new Auckland Burners channel is actually a Psy-op created by the Wellington Burners group. This is supposedly being spearheaded by VAG camp, who we happen to know have a Headquarters in Pōneke. Why the Wellington Burners want to do this is anyone’s guess, but it’s not all that surprising that VAG is involved.
In an effort to calm the waters and placate the Auckland Burner community, the powers at be have suggested that a new event take place on the Paddock at the 2027 burn. The event, appropriately named ‘Auckland – Audition Flatmates’ (abbreviated as Auckland AF) will allow groups to find new flatties by holding auditions. Potential flatties will be judged on things like how fast they can sink a Do-Bro, how quickly they can source a MacBook charger, and what their favourite type of mustard is. The hopeful new flatmates will then be subject to a bidding war.
We hope that this event is a success, and that Auckland Burners will find comfort in being able to engage in flatmate hunting nonsense on the Paddock this year.
We also wish to thank J. Afa for bringing this matter to our attention, and finally mention that we are always on the lookout for more news, so please keep sending these stories in.
Photo by @fra.gmentz
