Photo Credit: Peter Jennings [Artist Unknown]
[Special News, Breaking Alert graphics] [Do do do do do do do do do do do do] [Tom, the News Anchor:] Broadcasting live from the memory of a giant television stage somewhere on the Effigy Paddock, it is now time for your 2021 Paddock Weather Report!
Thanks, Tom. Good evening. I’m Navigator with your friendly Paddock Weather Team, here to offer a bit of guidance to help make your participation in the 2021 Mythical Picnic feel just like a double rainbow!
Let’s jump right in with a quick overview of what type of temperatures you can expect throughout your five glorious, Radically-Expressive days on the Paddock. [Holds up a printed weather chart and a black permanent marker].
Daytime and nighttime temperatures at the Paddock for the 2021 Burn are generally expected to follow the trends of previous years. From about mid-morning to late-afternoon (on all levels of the tree-less Paddock) it will be so *bleeping* *bleepity* *bleep* hot we expect to witness multiple Participants desperately digging their phones out of their tents, holding them up towards the sky, and attempting to call their ex-partners, just to get a bit of shade. [Hard wink]
The Forest and River mid-morning to late-afternoon weather reports are shaping up much better, with predictions of ample places to hide from the harsh New Zealand sun, chill spots, swimming opportunities, and occasional breezes for all you Awake & Alert Burners.
For the mud monsters out there, we checked in quickly with one of our top contributors, Mother Nature, just before this segment to see if she had any insights as to whether or not the ever-popular, rejuvenating mud pit would make an appearance at the river again this year; however, her response was (disappointingly), “It’s currently 2020, try asking me next year.” We have intentions to follow up and will keep our viewers posted.
The setting of the sun will bring some temporary relief from the widespread Paddock melt in the early evenings – just enough to rinse off that sunblock and rest your umbrella arm before preparing for the late evening onslaught of *bleeping* *bleepity* *bleep* *bleep* how-did-it-get-so-*bleeping*-cold?!
Thankfully, we can report that most nights on the Paddock have historically presented clear skies with the Milky Way showing off all its sparkly gems to boot. We have also had multiple reports that the night-time temperatures are known to rise with increased physical proximity to large sound apparatus (things that go doof) and, likewise, things that are on fire.
The Paddock Weather Team recommends planning ahead with clothing layers. No layers and then lots of layers. No layers and then lots of layers. This is the best way to be prepared and comfortable throughout each 24 hour period that will blend oh-so-mind-bendingly together to make up your Mythical Picnic journey. That’s it for the temperature overview, now let’s take a moment to have a word from our sponsors…
[Western Electro Swing music fades in] [Zoom in on Helpful On-Site Volunteer leaning out of The Depot window, beckons viewer over]
Howdy, stranger! Haven’t seen you ‘round these here parts. Are you headed out on the range tonight? Looks like you might not be packin’ ‘nuf clothin’! Or maybe you just haven’t found those perfect chaps – you know, the ones with the pockets? You should have a gander at our Revolving Clothesline! It’s where all the smart cow-folk shop! And don’t worry, if you lose those chaps, you’ll probably find ‘em right back here in the morn’, safe and sound at the Lost & Found – ain’t nothin’ never go far ‘round here. [Winks and tips hat, slow pan backward]
[Music fades] [Announcer:] The Depot. It’s not just ice.
And we’re back. Now let’s have a look at the wind conditions for the 2021 Burn. As with the temperatures, the wind conditions on the Paddock aren’t expected to change too much this year compared to past Burns. Winds should be expected to be FML-severe and all proper precautions should be taken.
There are no windbreaks on the Paddock except the tent or whatever construction might happen to be grounded (or not-so-well-grounded) next to you. So if you are planning on picking up a cheap, pop-up-gazebo you may want to reconsider and think about investing in something a bit more wind-worthy or, at the very least, lots of extra tie downs and some extra beers to mop up your heartache.
The wind is expected to come mainly from the direction of the ML (that’s Murphy’s Law) with occasional gusts up to 100kph. The Weather Team’s recommendation is to come prepared with extra stakes, stake markers (for those courtesy bonus points), ties, and common sense so that you can spend more time on the dancefloor and less time trying to paste your shambled structure(s) back together.
Moving on from the wind report, let’s examine some of the default conditions of participation in Burns as they affect us globally. As many non-virgin Burners are aware, Burns around the world have been plagued by Radical Self-Reliance which has led to severe drought conditions. This is not a situation to be taken lightly. No water will be provided at the Paddock. Kiwiburn strongly recommends coming prepared with four litres of water per Participant per day. Gate checks will be in full force.
Wildfires (aka uncontrolled fires) are another serious concern amongst the global Burn community. There are to be no open fires outside of the organised Burns on the Paddock. Ariel flares, rockets, explosives, Chinese Lanterns, and fireworks are prohibited at Kiwiburn 2021 and all Burns. Failure to adhere to this rule could result in a fine, eviction, and/or a ban from future Kiwiburn events. We’re serious as a sunburn about this!
As many of us are aware, currently, the State of California (US) is burning out of control due to a pyrotechnic “gender reveal” party which went wrong. [Rolls eyes] In light of this, the Paddock Weather Team has recently partnered with longtime US forest resident, Smokey The Bear, to deliver this message to the Kiwiburn community: “ONLY YOU can prevent ruining the Burn for everyone.”
Well, that about wraps it up for the 2021 Mythical Picnic Weather Report. To all you lucky golden-ticket holders, as reported, we don’t expect too much significant change in the weather this year but, if you are still hungry and want to gorge your radically self-sufficient brain on a bit more crunchy, preparedness-type info right now, here is a link to the always snack-tacular Kiwiburn Survival Guide webpage.
Signing off, this has been Navigator and your trusty Paddock Weather Team with your 2021 Mythical Picnic Weather Report. [Do do do do do do do do do do do do]